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Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Dog Shelter Never Lies


I must admit on the odd occasion I see the business news channels it really makes me laugh. When these programs want to discuss the state of the economy they invariably trot out some blowhard economist, who has attended Harvard Business School and is currently employed by one of the tax dollar guzzling big banks. He or she more than likely has two homes, several cars, a base salary of at least $500k plus bonus (if their institution can wring any more money out of us peons).

You will hear them talk about leading indicators, budget deficits, GDP, inflation, deflation, trade balances, (un)employment, money supply; the list goes on and on (I don't want to loose readers, but you get the idea).

With my hand on my heart, I tell you I could do their job by making four local phone calls a month, lasting less than a minute each. I call my local homeless dog shelter and inquire about their occupancy rates. Their answer tells me all I need to know about the health of the economy. No business school, no big salary, no holiday Castle Sidewalker in the Hamptons for me.

So if you want to know how the economy is doing pick up the phone, make the call to the dog shelter and consult my handy guide below.

1) They have one dog - You should start taking dance lessons to learn the Charleston. The roaring 20's are upon us once again. Buy, buy, buy this party ain't never going to end.

2) They have a couple of strays - Go refinance your permanent residence to buy a vacation home in Florida. Then refinance the Florida home to buy a mountain lodge in the Rockies. Rinse and repeat.

3) They are half full - You won't get a pay rise this year, but it shouldn't stop you buying a jet ski and an ATV, both of which will get used once, before becoming garage ornaments.

4)They have a couple of spare kennels - Your salary will get cut in half, but it rocks that you still have a job. Your two next door neighbors will soon be jobless and buying groceries on their credit card.

5) Every kennel is taken - If you are not yet, you soon will be jobless and penniless, going without food so your wife and children can eat. You'll take down the kitchen cabinets to burn as firewood, and you'll be looking to sell the copper piping from your plumbing, if you could only find a buyer. Everyone on your street will soon stop paying their mortgage.

6) They sent the overflow of stray dogs to the cat home - Watch out when this happens. We will be dangerously close to the event horizon of a financial black hole. I hope it's not tomorrow.

So go ahead make the call, I sincerely hope your local dog shelter has plenty of vacancies. And when they answer you, think of that blowhard economist on the TV...


-Luke Sidewalker
-Current balance $22.54

4 comments:

Mountain Woman of Red Pine Mountain said...

I'm so sorry to say that this post is very true. The same problem is happening to horses who are incredibly expensive to house and feed. Just very sad.

Morgan Drake Eckstein said...

In my neighborhood, there are a lot of abandoned cats. People lost their homes, and just left their cats behind. All I need to do is walk to my front porch and count the number of strays eating from the cat bowl to figure out the economic state of the neighborhood.

Luke Sidewalker said...

I agree with both of you. Lost in the facetious nature of my post was the fact that economic downturns are not just felt in the human domain. I am well aware of that, and it was not my intention to make light of those animals that are suffering because of their owners financial predicaments.

-Luke Sidewalker

blueviolet said...

What an interesting parallel!

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